don't wanna be grown :(
I've been having this urge to go clubbing, to drink drink drink, to live like I used to. It's hard to believe I'm 25 and it's definitely harder for me to act 25. However, when I look at all the 19 year olds around.... I stop being delusional and I momentarily realize I'm too old to be wistfully wishing for the things I wish for..
Did I see myself at this point at 25? ummm...NO! I was supposed to have a career, a car, perhaps a condo or a house, or at least working on getting one.. and definitely a fiance or husband..and in the works of having a baby... Was I hoping for the impossible? Or was my thinking just not sensible for this day and age... I have my masters, which in itself is an accomplishment... I need at least another 2 years to establish my career..maybe more.. so I'm guessing marriage won't come about until I'm 30... Then kids ...not until I'm 31/ 32?! I get terrified just thinking about it... Why is life not going according to plan?? Aside all the career stuff, I should know who I'm marrying by now, right? Otherwise, I might as well give up coz I'm really running out of time. I'm already set back on my "life schedule"....not knowing who I'm gonna marry is gonna put me back another 5 years or so! That brings me back to the same ole decision... Do I hold out for a "suitable boy" or do I do the unthinkable and marry someone my parents don't think is "suitable" ....and the latter decision would result in them hating me for the rest of my life (if they don't kill me first...and no I'm not exaggerating... killing a "crazy" daughter is allll too common where I'm from).... If I try to look for a "suitable boy" I think I'm gonna be looking for a longggg time... *Here's a secret: I actually have a profile on www.shaadi.com ....my mother urged me to set one up and even said she'd pay for a full membership... all I've met on there are *assholes* (excuse my language!) ...However, I did meet a "suitable boy" (or so I thought) on there a couple of weeks ago... he seemed nice and looked "do-able" I guess... and then he brought up sex during our third or so online conversation... TOTAL turnoff!! What's wierd is - if it was anyone but a desi guy talking about sex I wouldn't have had that same reaction... What is wrong with me? I have these high expectations of what my "suitable boy" is supposed to be like... but if it comes to any other non-desi guy... I don't really have any expectations other than a cute face...
We had lunch at Shirreff Hall today... Everytime I walk thru the doors I have flashbacks... and I get upset.. I wonder when I'll grow up? I wistfully think of the years I spent there... I basically grew up there... Today walking thru the door was bad... I thought of someone that I don't really think of.. I've tried to block this person out of my mind... This person hurt me sooo much I never want to think of him again... He's probably the one person that I didn't try to get back at for hurting me... But, he's probably the one person that hurt me the most... Walking up those stairs today..I remembered saying goodbye to him there...I remembered every detail of that last conversation, that last hug, the last time I saw him.. All these memories lasted a fraction of a minute...But, they were still there....
When will I truly forget and when will I really move on? Not just *him* (I don't really care about him...over the years, I realized he was not that important) ...when will I move on from my childhood, my teenage years, my college years - What will it take for me to realize I'm not an 18 year old frosh anymore? I thought I'd grown out of it after my new years incident...I guess not...
Maybe I'll realize that this weekend..... I think I'll drink like I used to, club like I used to... and then maybe when I can't deal with a hangover like I used to - I might finally realize it - I'm too old for all this. WHO'S IN?
Did I see myself at this point at 25? ummm...NO! I was supposed to have a career, a car, perhaps a condo or a house, or at least working on getting one.. and definitely a fiance or husband..and in the works of having a baby... Was I hoping for the impossible? Or was my thinking just not sensible for this day and age... I have my masters, which in itself is an accomplishment... I need at least another 2 years to establish my career..maybe more.. so I'm guessing marriage won't come about until I'm 30... Then kids ...not until I'm 31/ 32?! I get terrified just thinking about it... Why is life not going according to plan?? Aside all the career stuff, I should know who I'm marrying by now, right? Otherwise, I might as well give up coz I'm really running out of time. I'm already set back on my "life schedule"....not knowing who I'm gonna marry is gonna put me back another 5 years or so! That brings me back to the same ole decision... Do I hold out for a "suitable boy" or do I do the unthinkable and marry someone my parents don't think is "suitable" ....and the latter decision would result in them hating me for the rest of my life (if they don't kill me first...and no I'm not exaggerating... killing a "crazy" daughter is allll too common where I'm from).... If I try to look for a "suitable boy" I think I'm gonna be looking for a longggg time... *Here's a secret: I actually have a profile on www.shaadi.com ....my mother urged me to set one up and even said she'd pay for a full membership... all I've met on there are *assholes* (excuse my language!) ...However, I did meet a "suitable boy" (or so I thought) on there a couple of weeks ago... he seemed nice and looked "do-able" I guess... and then he brought up sex during our third or so online conversation... TOTAL turnoff!! What's wierd is - if it was anyone but a desi guy talking about sex I wouldn't have had that same reaction... What is wrong with me? I have these high expectations of what my "suitable boy" is supposed to be like... but if it comes to any other non-desi guy... I don't really have any expectations other than a cute face...
We had lunch at Shirreff Hall today... Everytime I walk thru the doors I have flashbacks... and I get upset.. I wonder when I'll grow up? I wistfully think of the years I spent there... I basically grew up there... Today walking thru the door was bad... I thought of someone that I don't really think of.. I've tried to block this person out of my mind... This person hurt me sooo much I never want to think of him again... He's probably the one person that I didn't try to get back at for hurting me... But, he's probably the one person that hurt me the most... Walking up those stairs today..I remembered saying goodbye to him there...I remembered every detail of that last conversation, that last hug, the last time I saw him.. All these memories lasted a fraction of a minute...But, they were still there....
When will I truly forget and when will I really move on? Not just *him* (I don't really care about him...over the years, I realized he was not that important) ...when will I move on from my childhood, my teenage years, my college years - What will it take for me to realize I'm not an 18 year old frosh anymore? I thought I'd grown out of it after my new years incident...I guess not...
Maybe I'll realize that this weekend..... I think I'll drink like I used to, club like I used to... and then maybe when I can't deal with a hangover like I used to - I might finally realize it - I'm too old for all this. WHO'S IN?
posted by Diamond Princess at 9:52 PM
5 Comments:
I'm up for drinking to the point of near oblivion!! I haven't dont it since my bday and I think it's about time!! (I know you think I've become a wetblanket recently but I intend to change that this weekend!)
Mona
i'd be in - on the drinking to oblivion part - just - hell no, not at any club in halifax. where is there to go? i loved onyx but it's sooo expensive. there needs to be a few more firesides. i know i've been a wetblanket (and not just because what happened right before christmas) because i've been going through the what-did-i-do-to-be-set-back since twenty-five... nearly two years ago. are we going to warn our kids of this and push them to do three-year ugrads and go straight to law school or med school? i guess how we parent will depends on how happy we are - whether we end up with the suitable boy or not. another thing, i totally have different standards for chinese guys than for white guys - i act differently, too, more cautious, at least in halifax, because the damned place was too small and my parents are there.
Well.. To tell you life anywhere is not any faster pace. You have started your accomplishments, but these days people start married life later like 30's you know so your right on the right track.. As for your Desi men, your right you have to be careful, but look at the fact that you may be to critical of them... kinda like you are looking for a virgin guy with his experiences. And you need to realize that you need to just have to go with the flow and it will all work out.
Just My 2 cents
V
Okay, wait until you're having these EXACT SAME THOUGHTS when you're 32. It never gets easier and the questions never get answered. So here's my opinion: Get married if the right guy comes along. Now that it's 2005 women can actually lead fulfilled and fun lives without getting hitched. And don't worry about the career. I've had over 5 and I'm still experimenting. I guess I just don't want to settle.
I read the post and realized that this quote sums it up really well-
Inside every older person is a younger one who wonders what the hell happened???
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