don't wanna be grown :(

I've been having this urge to go clubbing, to drink drink drink, to live like I used to. It's hard to believe I'm 25 and it's definitely harder for me to act 25. However, when I look at all the 19 year olds around.... I stop being delusional and I momentarily realize I'm too old to be wistfully wishing for the things I wish for..
Did I see myself at this point at 25? ummm...NO! I was supposed to have a career, a car, perhaps a condo or a house, or at least working on getting one.. and definitely a fiance or husband..and in the works of having a baby... Was I hoping for the impossible? Or was my thinking just not sensible for this day and age... I have my masters, which in itself is an accomplishment... I need at least another 2 years to establish my career..maybe more.. so I'm guessing marriage won't come about until I'm 30... Then kids ...not until I'm 31/ 32?! I get terrified just thinking about it... Why is life not going according to plan?? Aside all the career stuff, I should know who I'm marrying by now, right? Otherwise, I might as well give up coz I'm really running out of time. I'm already set back on my "life schedule"....not knowing who I'm gonna marry is gonna put me back another 5 years or so! That brings me back to the same ole decision... Do I hold out for a "suitable boy" or do I do the unthinkable and marry someone my parents don't think is "suitable" ....and the latter decision would result in them hating me for the rest of my life (if they don't kill me first...and no I'm not exaggerating... killing a "crazy" daughter is allll too common where I'm from).... If I try to look for a "suitable boy" I think I'm gonna be looking for a longggg time... *Here's a secret: I actually have a profile on www.shaadi.com ....my mother urged me to set one up and even said she'd pay for a full membership... all I've met on there are *assholes* (excuse my language!) ...However, I did meet a "suitable boy" (or so I thought) on there a couple of weeks ago... he seemed nice and looked "do-able" I guess... and then he brought up sex during our third or so online conversation... TOTAL turnoff!! What's wierd is - if it was anyone but a desi guy talking about sex I wouldn't have had that same reaction... What is wrong with me? I have these high expectations of what my "suitable boy" is supposed to be like... but if it comes to any other non-desi guy... I don't really have any expectations other than a cute face...
We had lunch at Shirreff Hall today... Everytime I walk thru the doors I have flashbacks... and I get upset.. I wonder when I'll grow up? I wistfully think of the years I spent there... I basically grew up there... Today walking thru the door was bad... I thought of someone that I don't really think of.. I've tried to block this person out of my mind... This person hurt me sooo much I never want to think of him again... He's probably the one person that I didn't try to get back at for hurting me... But, he's probably the one person that hurt me the most... Walking up those stairs today..I remembered saying goodbye to him there...I remembered every detail of that last conversation, that last hug, the last time I saw him.. All these memories lasted a fraction of a minute...But, they were still there....
When will I truly forget and when will I really move on? Not just *him* (I don't really care about him...over the years, I realized he was not that important) ...when will I move on from my childhood, my teenage years, my college years - What will it take for me to realize I'm not an 18 year old frosh anymore? I thought I'd grown out of it after my new years incident...I guess not...
Maybe I'll realize that this weekend..... I think I'll drink like I used to, club like I used to... and then maybe when I can't deal with a hangover like I used to - I might finally realize it - I'm too old for all this. WHO'S IN?

Dilemma

As usual....... I conveniently *forgot* about my blog for ummmm... a few weeks? :) My bad! Maybe one of my new year resolutions should be to try to remember that I actually have a blog and that maybe once in a while I should actually update it!

Anyway... Christmas was cool and 2005 actually appeared to start out okay (not too sure about all that now though). I think I got the best Christmas gifts ever this year round... My honey got me this cute cute cute baby pink Guess wallet that I was wanting for a while and a cream colored matching Guess sweater (note to self: time to hit the gym, need to fit into new sweater) ...for my birthday..which was 2 days before Christmas HE GOT ME A RING!!! It was totally unexpected, it's the prettiest gold ring with topaz (my birth stone) and diamonds in it. That brings me back to why I initially started this blog - as a reflection on me and him. By the way, I haven't finished the hes just not that into you book. .. But I decided that I'll keep this blog and this blog title and continue to fill it with my worldly wisdom on perfect relationships (yeah rite! :p). Christmas day was actually fun - hung out at his place with a bunch of friends, got crunked up...& watched girly movies & talked, etc... until the wee hours of the morning (well 4am or 5am I think?)...had too much to drink, can't really remember much :)

This brings me to New Years ....which brought me to the realization that: I'M TOOOO OLD TO CLUB WITH 19 YEAR OLDS!!!! So, this means I'll have to stay far far away from the Dome, the Palace and most other clubs in Halifax. I will spare you all the gruesome details of what went down that night... But, the night started out fine and then everything went downhill from there.. The only lesson I gained from that is - I shall be sticking to martini lounges and hiphop parties... At least that way, little blonde teenage girls won't feel compelled to spill their drinks on me, or step on my feet...& if I do make it to the Dome this year - the next little blonde girl who does *anything* to me... ....I might just get very very mad :) (or more..)

So, after the New Years fiasco I decided to focus on actually completing my projects for my work-at-home job, focus on leaving my current good for nothing job, focus on finding a career, focus on leaving Halifax and focus on making money to fund my "shoe n purse fetish" :) Things seemed to go well for a little while, I actually got some interviews, thought I was making headway...And then as is the motto of my life - things all fell apart.. I didn't get any of the positions... I have been told waaay too many times that I'm overqualified.. I mean DUDE!!! *smile* if i didn't want the job, i wouldn't have applied? Soooo..... Nothing new on the job front... I've got a bunch of ideas for my own business but reasons beyond my control are preventing me from putting anything into motion.. I feel like someone with a lot of power has a personal vendetta against me and is really really really ensuring that NOTHING in my life goes right! On the bright side, my relationship's been cool... nothing bad happening, no arguing (well hardly any arguing..shyt- blame it on my big mouth!), and things just seem *perfect* at times....But for how long? You know that invisible person with a personal vendetta I mentioned...? Well hmmm..it comes into play here as well...

Here's the scenario - Me and Him - "perfect" 3 year relationship, can actually stand being around eachother 24/7, he's like my best friend, I can't imagine my life without him, at this point I can truthfully say I want to spend the rest of my life with him.. I don't know if it's just my biological clock ticking but I can look at him and say - I want you to be the father of my children. I have never been in a relationship this perfect before .....and I don't think I will ever be able to get along with anyone else the way I get along with him... And yeah I know a lot of people out there that know me are scratching their heads thinking "perfect"??? lol :) Well, there is a lot about us that IS perfect, and that let's me forget all the "not so perfect" ...Straight up, if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I'd agree in a heartbeat.... Sounds too perfect to be true? It is..... I'm a DESI!!!!!!!!! A damn desi!!! (*desi = person originally from the indian subcontinent ...i don't care if you were born in india, australia, canada, trinidad, the US, guyana, england...antartica.... if your roots are indian...you're DESI in my world :) ) my parents would never ever accept him.. WHY? he's not a suitable boy... he could be perfect in every way... but he's not desi ...hmmm.. WHAT TO DO? yeah, i'll probably get messages from random people telling me it's my life and I'm grown enough so I should do what I want and when will I start living my own life... etc..etc..etc... heard it all before..and you know what!? It's not that easy....I'm an only child, I'm a daughter, my parents practically gave up their life so I could have the perfect life (in their eyes) ....So I have two choices: 1) Go against my parents wishes, have them disown me and be with him 2) Break up with him, find a "suitable boy" and then there's ofcourse #3 which I've been living for the most part of my life - LIE .....they don't live here, so they don't have to know...or do they? :(