hmmm...me @ 19?

just got back in from the Palace...hmmmm am i slowly losing my mind or something? tonite started out cool...very cool... started drinking at around 6pm i think...(as i had told myself i would)....about 9-10pm started feeling a lil sick... thought i might need food...so ate..showered, got dressed...started on the wine, etc etc again... was feeling GOOD... loved myself... and then got to the club and there were those damn 19 year olds!!! LOL ...okay, tonite wasn't as bad...i did have a lotta fun... but it brought a lot of memories to mind... seeing those girls, i saw a BIG difference between me and them...at that age... i didnt look like that? i wasnt doing all that... i guess im just wishing for those teenage years that i never really had...i had *visions* of pink bedrooms and ruffled pillows and whatever else i remember from residence....which i never had... maybe im just basing all this on a stereotype....but i never lived "their" life...
here's me thinking ...once again... i should just be staying home and not putting myself thru all this...maybe what this sorry excuse for a city really needs is an over 25s club...
its funny tonite was sooo good and depressing all at the same time....... i talked to my baby (who shall remain nameless for now) about all kinds of stuff ...we were talking about when we were younger and stuff that happened..like for example, how this guy called Frankie tried to kiss me when i was about 8 years old..
i keep WANTING to go to clubs..it's like i'm searching for something...something i'll never find in this city..
oh, i saw this desi chick tonite in a tight lil desi sweater...STARING at me! damn, if i would have had a chance i would have knocked her damn eyes out :) i guess the problem with me was...hmm..let me rephrase that ....the problems with me were:
- i was revealing cleavage
- i look indian, but don't behave it
- i was with a man who wasn't indian....i'm sure there are a million other "problems" with me and my *identity*
these days life seems to be revolving around this searching for myself, my roots shit... i want my life to sort itself out... i want a career... i want a man i can say i'm going to marry.... why me?:(
anyway...i'm rambling coz i've had a lil waaay too much to drink :) i think i need some mcdonalds (hey, why not just ADD to the damn weight problem!) ...and then some sleep... no work in the a.m. but i can work from home and get stuff done :) ...so then, i'll be able to repeat this sat nite...
....i guess i'm just wishing for a childhood i never had...